Here is an interesting question. . .
Do we have a problem with Pterodactyls? It seems every time we turn around, a newspaper or a politician or your angry Facebook friend is telling us how awful Pterodactyls are. Sure, every now and then a Pterodactyl will carry off the odd pet cat or small Labrador in this country, but generally I’ve never had a problem with them. I guess people don’t understand them. Why do they all gather in abandoned quarries to eat figs and play a game that appears to be mix between tennis and chess that they call Storrington? What is their obsession with volcanoes? That chirrupy way they communicate, what the fuck is that all about?
Of course, the easiest way to find out why is to ask them. A lot of the Pterodactyls over here have pretty good grasps of English. Maybe, simply treating them with fear and suspicion makes them feel they have to occasionally carry a tabby off to get some notice? Or, maybe most Pterodactyls simply want to be part of the culture and everyday life of their adopted country, and a very select few of them don’t?
We obviously hear lots of nasty stories about Pterodactyls overseas. Carrying off babies, horses and even, sometimes, grown human men. It has been well documented that legendary Afghanistan batsman Mohammad Shahzad was once carried off. Luckily, Shahzad was in to bat at the time, and when he was dropped into the Pterodactyl filled quarry, he knew exactly what to do. Most would run, but Shahzad only deals in boundaries. He used his trusty bat, and smashed all of the nasty Pterodactyls, with their warped ‘Pterodactyl only’ type ideologies, in the face with his bat. One by one, their heads flew out of the quarry, as Shahzad did a mini ‘Champion’ dance, before moving on to the next one.
Mohammad Shahzad, before he successfully dismantled the radical Pterodactyl faction 'Eeer'
But we mustn’t think that these Pterodactyls are the norm. Indeed, only one in 900,000 Pterodactyls believe in a purely Pterodactyl state. The majority believes in integration, or at the very least tolerance, as long as they’re free to play Storrington and eat figs in quarries.
“But, Jon,” I hear you shout, “Soon we’ll be overrun, and we’ll all be forced to eat figs and play Storrington.” Well, disembodied dissenting voice, you’re talking utter taff, aren’t you?! I have been far more annoyed by dogmatic beavers, knocking on my door first thing on a goddamn Saturday, trying to get me to help them dam the River Wandle. Leave me alone, beavers! What you want to do with your spare time is not my business, but don’t try and guilt me in to joining your cause!
So, if you are genuinely worried about the Pterodactyl community, and aren’t just masking your deep-rooted racism towards them behind politely concerned rhetoric, just go and talk to one of them. I’m sure they will be happier to discuss your concerns then be vilified because of a few corgi-stealing bad-apples. Maybe even try playing a game of Storrington. You might like it!